Levi Johnston, Sperm Leader
He’s here! Bristol Palin’s future husband/baby daddy has arrived in the lower 48, after making the interminable journey from America’s joke state, Alaska. He’s making the rounds among political figures, and may very well end up on the talk shows next. I think he’d be a big hit on The View. Or maybe on TRL. “So, Levi, tell us, are you and Bristol like totally in LURV???” Personally, I think he’s a hero. After all, according to Evangelicals and other idiots, having a pregnant 17 year old high school student daughter is actually a GREAT thing for Sarah Palin. It makes her so totally relatable. That’s so true, because most families have 17 year old daughters who get pregnant in high school.
But now that Levi and Bristol have been united, their doom/wedding impending, it’s time for them to start thinking of the future. For Bristol, her mom is going to be busy working; come November (a month before Bristol will pop out the evidence of her sins), Mom will be heading back to the governor’s chair, trying to remove books from libraries and fire people because they didn’t do what she told them to. She’s certainly not going to be able to care for the little baby while Bristol goes off to college. And Levi, we don’t know much about him, but suffice it to say, he’s probably got bigger things on his mind than becoming a daddy. After all, he’s about to be married to America’s most famous Pro-Condom PSA.
Without a reliable way to take care of their little bundle of oops, they’re going to need money. And maybe mom can steal some from government (or start supporting the Bridge to Nowhere again, and then give them that money), but if she can’t, they’re going to need to do something. Personally, I think Bristol and her man/impregnator should consider selling themselves out for movies. Here’s the trailer I think they should try to attach their names to.
Announcer: She’s the vice-president’s daughter, always kept under her mother’s watchful eye.
[Daughter with tutor looking over science textbook]
Daughter: I don’t think we should be learning about the reproductive system. That’s not appropriate.
Announcer: He’s had a streak of hard luck, but it all could turn around when he meets her.
[Daughter walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, followed by Secret Service agents. Guy walking other way accidently bumps into her. Secret Service agents jump on top of him, protecting daughter. Daughter looks up from ground where she fell; their eyes meet.]
Daughter: Hi.
Guy (underneath pile of agents, in seductive yet squashed voice): Hello there.
Announcer: He’ll show her the town, and HOW TO GET DOWN.
[Daughter and Guy in club dancing. She looks awkward.]
Guy: C’mon, just move your hips. Do what feels good.
Daughter: Umm… I don’t know if this is okay.
Announcer: But when her parents say NO WAY, he knows there’s just one way to get her back.
Daughter: Are you sure you have to do… that… just so you can cure your… man parts cancer?
Announcer: This fall, fall in love with America’s new favorite pregnant teenager in…
[Title Screen]
Announcer: Vice-Pregnancy.
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