America’s News T-Shirt Leader
In my ever vigilant attempts to police the horrible news website CNN, I noticed a unique way they are attempting to make more money. CNN now offers, with select headlines, the chance to buy that headline screen-printed on a t-shirt. But, to produce headlines that are t-shirt worthy and to report the news in a professional matter seem mutually exclusive (at least in any terms of standard journalism ethics). CNN seems to understand this, which leads to some pretty stupid headlines available on t-shirts.
I’ve decided to spend the day checking on what headlines you can get on a t-shirt, in an effort to cause mirth and merriment for my readers, and to condemn CNN and their ridiculousness. I will also list some headlines that would make particularly stupid t-shirts.
0900:
Headliner Shirt Options:
Boy, 10, saves classmate with Heimlich
Whiz kid runs school’s computers
Ginormous sinkhole gobbles up yards
Real Headlines Not on Shirts:
What would you ask Obama?
Corpses piling up as Myanmar misery deepens
Thoughts:
For the record, “ginormous” is not a word.
1018:
What? No new headlines for t-shirts? That’s bad marketing! In fact, we lost the Heimlich headline! And I was about to order that shirt!
Real Headlines Not on Shirts:
Is it too early for a Clinton “deathwatch”?
Women, click here for good health
1124:
New Headliner Shirt Option:
Church fills pews with free gas raffle
Real Headlines Not on Shirts:
“White Americans” want me, Clinton says
1408:
New Headliner Shirt Options:
Obama’s blue jeans put press in tizzy
Stiletto-clad beauty queen seeks office
Real Headlines Not on Shirts:
McCain “losing bearings,” says Obama.
Thoughts:
Several headlines have dropped away, also losing us the chance to buy a shirt with that headline. Funny thing, the “Ginormous” headline has remained. Perhaps because it is selling shirts?
1537:
New Headliner Shirt Option:
Small town preps for big Bush wedding
Thoughts:
Who in the world would ever want that headline on a t-shirt? It seems like the most random of random headlines to offer. Maybe someone liked the play between the words “small” and “big”. So edgy!
1626:
No new headlines! Again, terrible marketing of the news by CNN. If I can’t have the headline on a t-shirt, I don’t want to read it.
I will keep up my vigilant watch on CNN. We must convince them to offer ALL headlines on t-shirts. If my news can’t be worn on my chest, then staying informed loses all luster.
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