Michael Braun's Blog

I returned to painting my aunt’s house today. It was difficult to get up, not in actually waking and rising but in the idea that I knew what I was headed for. I believed, as I drove the half an hour (though only 12 miles) to her house in Sun Prairie, that I would be caulking today and starting painting tomorrow. When I arrived, however, I was told I should work on the back of the house and that there were a lot of spots on the sides that still needed more work. My aunt told me this in a way that discouraged me, and my mind raced to worst-case scenarios all while I worked. I felt like at the end of the day I should just quit and tell her she can keep the rest of the money she owed me. I felt I was justified: she hadn’t paid me much, I had worked very hard for a long time, and she didn’t seem to trust what I was doing. At the end of the day I spoke to her and said I had some concerns. A) I didn’t think the project was going to get done by the time school started and B) I wasn’t sure how money would work if I didn’t complete the project. I was anticipating that she would suggest I keep working on weekends after school started, to which I was planning to respond I can’t. Happily, she said that she understood and had thought for a couple weeks that I wouldn’t be able to get it done. She seemed fine with that, knowing she had grossly underestimated the time required for the project. She also said that she would be glad to pay me even though I didn’t finish the project. I skipped a little back to my car. Her answers were definitely good news.

At the same time, however, I am filled with some anger towards her. There are several factors that I understand about myself and my feelings towards authority. The main theme: I don’t like authority. I have a strong desire to rebel against any form of authority. Because of this, one of the understandings I have reached is that there are ways that authority figures can interact with me that will make me happy to perform a task and there are ways that will drive me insane. My aunt is mostly good at asking me to do things the first way, but today she was getting on my nerves. Simply the suggestion that the house wasn’t ready to paint irked me. I worked on that house like I would have my own, and I believe fully that it was ready to paint (after a spray down with a hose and come caulking, as I already mentioned). She seemed to say that I hadn’t done enough on the sides of the house and had I been allowed to paint, I would have ignored any spots that I had missed and done a shoddy job. I resent that more than she can imagine. I put my blood, literally, into that house, and I was proud of the work that I had done. Now she proposes to take it away because I haven’t done enough.

On the one hand, it’s fine. We don’t share the same opinion on the work that needs to be done and the way that it should be completed. I have enough confidence that I had worked hard on that house and gotten it ready that I am able to disregard her opinion. I still believe I am right. Therefore, if she wants to do the work herself, I am perfectly glad to let her. On the other hand, I feel shafted. I was hired to do this work: either let me do it or get someone else. Instead of micromanaging the whole project, have a little faith in me. I feel like I was treated like a 16 year old who has no work-ethic and needs constant supervision. It seems silly to state, “I’m 21 and I can do it myself!” but I would like some credit. I believe I have proven myself as an adult and as a hard worker. I feel I can make decisions about the house based on what is best for it, not what is best for me.

So maybe the trust issue is the problem that underlies it all. We never established what our relationship was. Was I a relative working for her, an employee under her watchful eye, or a contractor hired to get the work done? I felt I was the third option and tried to take suggestions from her with a kind smile and hardy nod. Instead I think she felt I was her employee and she was the supervisor. This was not a role I relished, and I can’t say it worked out very well. Being told – oh, did you get this spot? oh, did you get that spot? – did not raise my morale and did not make me want to work to my fullest ability. I’m a self-motivator and being told constantly places that I needed to work made it very difficult for me to take pride in what I was doing.

This issue of trust is one that I feel I could write another post on easily. There are issues as to which relatives trust me and which don’t. It seems the ones who know me best (parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts with children with whom I spend a lot of time) trust me; those who I only see at holildays do not. I think I will plan to write more about that subject later.

Until then, I’m back to work tomorrow with no idea what I will be doing. I don’t think I will work past Friday; I need to get ready for school, mostly by having some days where I can hang out with my roommates and get back into the swing of things, not be thinking about having to hang from a ladder, paint dust flying in my eyes and sneezing from all the pollen.